wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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