Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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