i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
