you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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