I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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