The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
it's great music for shaving your balls
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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