I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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