Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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