Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
