she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
