I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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