i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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