I wish life had little blips of pornography
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She swung at the pinata with crutches
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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