On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
