there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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