it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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