I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize