You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
