I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
