remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
