I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
