life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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