I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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