Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
