i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
