So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize