Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
