So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
