she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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