I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
