my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
