I accidentally had phone sex last night
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
