Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
