i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
