you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
