I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
