oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
