After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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