She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
