i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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