A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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