I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
