I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I smell stomach acid.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
