there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
