I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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