I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
