we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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