mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
