I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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