All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
