Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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