I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
