I just saw a hot homeless man
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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