im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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